It was quiet in my studio today. I sat on the floor and watched my sweet Peter Lou hop around and explore the newly arranged space. As much as I dislike change, you’d think I wouldn’t rearrange the place as much as I do, but sometimes things need to change. And sometimes they need to change often.
So anyway, last week, I made the decision to drop yet another course. I dropped my first course last semester, a Sociology class. This semester, it was a Women in Lit course… a course that I really loved. I felt like I learned so much about life and relationships through the works of Jane Austen, but my grades proved otherwise. Needless to say, I was feeling pretty cruddy about quitting. After all, quitting IS what I did. I made the decision to give up, which is something I simply do not do. It’s not something that I believe in. My mom reminded me that it’s okay, and that I’m running a full-time business. Well, yes, she’s right. But still. I quit.
College is hard. Sometimes it’s not all about the difficulty of the course workload, either. Sometimes it’s about digging deep into your heart and recognizing that you cannot do it all, not all at once. I remember coming across a quote on Pinterest last week that said, “you can do anything, but not everything”. So true. Although that made me feel a little more at peace with what I’m dealing with now, the fact that I’m only half way through college is still in the back of my mind. To be quite honest with you, I don’t know how I’m going to do it. I really don’t. Friends and family tell me all of the time, “I don’t know how you do it, Taylor”. Well, I don’t know how either, but I’m doing it.
As I hastily walked across a snow-covered campus with my drop sheet in hand, I silently agonized over the way my professor would perceive me for giving up, as if I’m in the only student in the history of ever to drop a course…
I handed her my sheet and she looked at me and asked, “are you sure?”
I felt like telling her, no, I’m not sure. In fact, I’m not quite sure of anything in my life right now. I’m not even sure why I’m here, standing in front of you. Actually, I’m not sure if I belong here in general. The only time I am certain of anything – that I’ve ever been certain of anything- is when I’m holding a camera in my hands.
But, I simply nodded my head, she signed the paper, and it was over. As I walked to my car with tears stinging my cheeks, I thought to myself, this is it. I’m done. I quit college.
And later that day, I went into my quiet studio, just as I did today. I sat on the floor, took a deep breath, and closed my eyes. Breathe in. Breathe out. Repeat. I stayed like that for awhile, alone, sitting on the floor. But when I opened my eyes, found myself fixated on a photograph that sits in the corner on a shelf. A photograph of my big sister… a reminder that the situation I am facing is a privilege… and underneath her photograph, a sign that reads, “never, never, never give up”. Thanks sis.