Trying to put my thoughts into words. Bear with me.
Bring me back to painting Easter eggs and eating Fruit Loops at the kitchen counter. You called me a dork for smiling (like a dork) at the camera. It didn’t phase me the slightest… I kept smiling. You laughed. Bring me back to sneaking markers to color my entire face and Christmas morning with presents for all five of us under the tree. Bring me back to a simpler time… I’ll stay there for just a little bit today.
It’s been 16 years. 16 years since you left. It’s funny because they say time heals all wounds… but it seems like the older I get… the further I get from the few memories I have… the further I get from you. And the harder it gets. I was so young. Honestly, it’s hard for me to tell if the memories I have are real or if they are just stories I’ve been told. I often have thoughts that question if the time I had with you was enough. Of course not… right? Well, the memories may be a little hazy and blurred, but they are ours. And that is so much more than enough. And it’s weird because as easy as it is to be angry, just mad at the world, I feel blessed.
See, I am blessed because I knew you, even if it was for a short time. I feel blessed to have photographs of you. I am blessed to be surrounded by people who love you because they love me, too. I feel blessed to have spent 4 birthdays with you, even if I only remember one of them. I feel blessed because I have someone like you in my life to miss so terribly.
I miss you every single day. I miss the years that could’ve been. The memories that should’ve been… but that’s the thing… that just wasn’t the plan. It’s okay, though, because I’ll see you again. Until then, I’ll be sending my birthday wishes to heaven. Happy 34th, sis. I love you.