I thought hard about how I wanted to express myself in this post. I know what I’m trying to say, I’m just not sure how to get there… or if it will make any sense to you. Oh well. I’ll try.
About a week ago, I made the decision to no longer lurk my Facebook newsfeed. I made that decision for a few reasons, but mostly to work on myself.
Behind my camera, I am confident. Confident in myself, my work, my ideas, my creativity… who I am. I am not afraid. Behind my camera, I am loud. LOUD. Loud vocally, as well as loud with love and happiness and courage. I always tell people, you haven’t seen all of me until you’ve seen me behind that lens. It’s true.
… and while it’s true… it saddens me. I am trying to channel that version of myself when dealing with other areas of my life… areas that I feel that I am lacking greatly in confidence. Areas in my life that scare me. See, photography has always came so easy to me. There has never been a point in my life when I have held a camera in my hands without feeling security in my heart. It’s my one true love, my passion, my career, my life, my EVERYTHING. And it is easy. Other things… not so easy.
When you have something… something like what I have with photography… something precious, cherished, and treasured… there will always be someone who tries to take it from you. They will try to steal your happiness. They will try to steal everything that you love about that something… they will try to steal your confidence… because jealousy is a very, very, very ugly thing. Sometimes the thief takes the form of friend… cowardly hiding behind a mask and robbing your self confidence. Do you know what the worst part is, though? Sometimes the thief is yourself… your own demons hiding in the corners of your heart, stealing every ounce of assurance you may have had. Even worse than that… You LET them.
I let them.
I dig way deep down in my heart and I ask myself… where’s that brave girl behind the camera when I need her? Where is she when I’m scared? Where is she when I feel quiet and lost and… small?
I’m trying… I’m really really trying to find that girl. I’m trying to apply her confidence to the other areas of my life. In the meantime, I ask God to hold my hand while my fears threaten me, and to give me strength while I feel small.